Red vs Blue: New World, New Life
by misty-me14
Summary: When Joanna Is Attacked and Sent to Blood Gulch, How will the Reds react?  Horrible summary, I know  Rated T for teen for possible romance it just depends where I go with this.   this is my first fic and this was just for fun. no slash or cursing
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter one**

**Joanna Armer was ready for the biggest night of her bands life. They FINALLY got booked **

**to do a gig at some chicks sweet sixteen, and finally she would get to wear that red dress that **

**made her look like Taylor Swift. She was ready to go, guitar in hand, and all the crap she needed **

**to play the perfect show stuffed in her giant backpack. She was on her way to the party on 14th**

**Street and Vinton Ave. when she heard something clatter and fall over behind her.**

"**uhh hello…?"**

**No answer. ****_"must have been me… stupid girl." _****she thought. this back alley shortcut might not have been the best idea..**

**BANG! Its sounded like a roman candle went off right next to hear ear. **

"**WHAT THE FRIGG?" She screamed. A old gray cat ran past her feet.**

**The party was only a two minute sprint away, and she wanted to run. When she got there, she **

**breathed a sigh of relief. **

"**Its just in your mind, calm down. ****_please let it be in my mind!"_**

**Just then she felt cold breath on the nape of her neck.**

**She took her backpack and swung it at the space the "attacker" would have been. But nothing **

**was there.**

"**_just get inside stupid! the doors right the-"_**

**Her thoughts were suddenly cut off by what looked like a giant hand gripping her throat and instantly knocking her out.**

**Nothing but blackness and the odd vision of men clad in Master Chief uniforms…**

**_Simmons POV_**

Ahhh sweet dinner. Beef or Chicken (I honestly can't tell with the slop Grif tries to make us eat) stew of some kind.

"HOLY FREAKIN CRAP! SIMMONS COME'ER!" That was Grif, my colleague of sorts, even though he doesn't do anything.

I ran to the rec room where he was.

"What! Whats Wrong?"

"Check it out!" He pointed at a motionless figure on the couch.

"Woah..." It was a girl. A pretty one to. She was sitting on the couch, her head hung down and looked like she might have been unconscious or asleep.

"Yup. I cant believe it either. Donut FINALLY got the sex change! Now we can sell the he/she to the blues!"

"WHAT? Grif, Are you stoned or just stupid?"

"Uh… is that a trick question?" I swear, sometimes I can't believe how stupid the people I work with.

"NO! besides Donut could never be that good looking." I had to admit, she was kind of cute.

At that moment, our commanding officer, Sarge, and our, umm.. Donut, walked in and stared at the girl.

"SIMMONS! Whats that?" Sarge said, and glared through his visor at her.

Donut looked her over.

"Is she asleep?" He asked.

Grif, being the retard he is, asked: "She's alive?"

"YOU IDIOT SHE'S BREATHING!" I shouted.

"we should go get Doc from Blue Base!" Donut suggested

"Alrighty! Simmons, saddle up! Grif, blow yourself up! And Donut, Just… Stay there and… Amuse yourself." Sarge ordered.

And in a little while, we where in the Warthog on our way across the canyon.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: Awkwardness and Tabasco

A/N: I forgot to do this in the first chapter ( I wrote it like 5 years ago and its been on my hard drive for that long cause I was to lazy to publish it) but, I don't own Red vs. Blue or Halo. If I did, Tucker would get his sniper rifle. Also, can someone please tell me how to add a new chapter in lamens terms? XD

Crap… I HATE coming here.. I knocked on the door of Blue Base and out stepped the village idiot.

"Simon! Its Yooou!" Caboose…

"Uhh hey Caboose, we need to borrow Doc at Red Base. Is he here?"

"uhuhuhuh! Do you want to come inside for a brownie?" then I noticed a brownie the size of a hockey puck - and looked about as tasty- in his hand.

" I don't have tim-" I was interrupted by what sounded like that guy Church.

"CABOOSE WHO IS IT?"

"Its Simon from Red land!"

Church appeared at the door, without his helmet and letting a mess of black hair and a face that was smeared with grease be exposed.

"Oh hey dude- uh I mean WHAT DO YOU WANT RED?"

"I just need to borrow Doc."

"oh okay! Cool! That guys getting stupider than usual lately, drivin' me nuts.." he said as he sadly shook his head.  
"HEY DOC! YOUR NEEDED AT RED BASE!"

I could see Doc running up to the door and, with a quick thanks, I took him to the Warthog.

Then, Church turned his "jerk mode" on and yelled out to us:

"WAIT, WHADDYA NEED HIM FOR?"

I pretended not to hear him. I thought it would be in our best interest to not let the blues know about the mysterious girl who 'magically' appeared on our couch

**Back at Red Base...**

"She still isn't moving" Donut said, squatting down almost to eye level with the sleeping girl.

"no kidding. I honestly hadn't noticed" Grif retorted.

Simmons and Sarge walked in with Doc about five minutes later, and Simmons pointed at the girl.  
"that's her"

Doc took out his medical kit and removed his helmet with a slight shake.

A few minutes after Doc finished checking the girls vitals, she cracked open her eyes and put her had to her head as if with a headache.

"Urghhh… my freakin' head…. Where am I?"

Doc shushed her "don't try to move to much, miss. Can you tell me your name?"

"J-Joanna…" she replied, with a strong over tone, usually caused by cold medicine.

"Well Joanna, you look like your going to be just fine! Just try to get some rest, okay?" Doc ordered.

"No problem…" and with that, she tucked her arm under her head, and instantly fell asleep.

**Joanna's POV**

"Woah… What a freaky dream… I always wondered what Red vs. Blue characters look like under their visors.. " I woke up and raised myself off my bed- or what I thought was my bed.

"wait.." I faced my surroundings.

"Hey Guys! She's awake!"

I wheeled around to face the owner of the slightly effeminate voice. It was Donut. FROM RED VS. BLUE.

"you! Your-"

"Woah! Slow down missy!" It was Sarge, Shotgun and all.

"this can't be happening!" I shrieked. "It has to be a dream!"

Grif came through another door on their left " If it is, It needs to end all freakin' ready."

I was in shock. It was becoming clear that this was no nightmare. I WAS IN RED VS. BLUE, Standing in front of Grif, Donut, and Sarge, and to make things even more awkward, they where all in their pajamas.

At that moment, Simmons came in, "Hey Guys breakfast is rea- Oh hey your up!"

I turned and look at Simmons. Surprisingly, he was better looking then his Dutch-Irish voice let on.

"Play dumb Joanna! YOU can't let them know that their not real! " the voice inside my head was screaming. I didn't even notice that the Reds had relocated to the room Simmons came out of. I might as well follow in suit.

**Grif's POV**

So. We have a chick now. That's not related to any of us, or a psycho. That's a leg up from the usual lady types we get around this dump.

"Hey Simmons, what's this mountain of dog crap on my plate?"

"Its healthy for you, retard! Now eat!" Out of everyone at Red base, Simmons cooking had to be the worst. I mean, not even I know how to make charcoal flavored ramen noodles.

"Yes mom… Can you at least make something that looks tastier than vegetables?"

"do you have any Tabasco sauce?"

Everyone in the kitchen turned around and look at the girl, who somehow managed to get into the kitchen, sit down next to me, and served herself a heaping helping of whatever we were eating.

"Ummm… Any at all?" she asked, looking around like she was completely confused.

I almost shouted "How the HELL did you get there?"

"I was in the… that room" she pointed at the rec room door.

"then I just walked over here."

I could already tell she was going to be a pain in the ass…

Just then, Simmons walked back from the pantry with some bottle and a pepper shaker.

"Here you go miss! I also brought you some pepper!"

"thanks! You can drop the miss if you want, you can just call me Jo."

"umm… okay…" I said, trailing off.

I don't know if she noticed this, but about half of the bottle of New Tabasco was on her pile of stuff Simmons tried to pass off as food.

"Wow, and I thought I hated Simmons crap cooking most"

"What?"

I pointed at her mostly red and slightly charcoal plate.

"Yeah, and?"

She put the bottle down, and reached for the pepper shaker.

"And you can take those looks off your faces like I'm doing something disgusting." She Said, without looking up from her plate.

I look over at everyone else at the table. Even Sarge was looking more disturbed then I had ever seen.

"So... do have any idea how you got here?" Simmons asked, without taking his eyes of the inferno of what was once food on her plate.

"No, Sorry."

"Its okay! its not your fault, we'll just have t- "

Then Donut interrupted.

"Well I guess you'll have to stay here! It'll be just like a sleepover!"

Sarge naturally objected (he hates girls. and teenagers.) "Donut no! She cant stay!

"But Sarge she-"

"I said no and that's FINAL!"

"uh guys?"

"Shut up Simmons their about to kill each other! I got fifty bucks saying no one gets out alive!"

While I was saying this, Donut was making a another whiney protest to Sarge.

"But Sarge! where else can she go? we can't just send her off to the Blues! They might hurt her!"

"guys...?"

"Don't be stupid Donut! Teenage girls have no place on red team!" Sarge said.

"GUYS!" Simmons hadn't figured out to shut up in a cat fight.

"WHAT?" We all screamed back at him.

"Where did she go?"

We all turned around and faced the empty seat, where Joanna used to be.

On the bright side, our Tabasco was safe.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: Court is Now in Session.**

**Joanna's POV**

I had to shield my eyes from the sun. I was outside after crawling out of the window of what I can only hope was Donuts room, Which had girly music posters covering the walls, and a pink throw blanket covering the bed. Its abundantly obvious I'm not wanted at Red Base (Though with Sarge living there, that didn't come as to much of a surprise to me.)

"Now where can I go that's not here?" I decided to assess my situation. I have some food in my backpack, it was a good thing I didn't notice it was on the coach next to me, otherwise i would have eaten my after-show snack. Anything would have been better then than what ever Simmons tried to cook us, but I probably shouldn't judge, I'm not the greatest cook in the world either.

"Lets see... an unopened box of Thin Mints... and half a bag of 'Spicy Creole Tomato' chips. Whoopee..."

Next was living arrangements. I couldn't stay outside under Donuts window. They probably already started looking for me by now.

"Blue Base..." I couldn't help but sigh.

"I'm probably not wanted there either. Tex would probably kill me... using one hand. And then there would be Tucker..."

Well it was worth a try...

"HEY GUYS MAYBE SHE"S OUTSIDE!"

Awww Crap. That was Simmons. And their looking for me.

"Running time!" I whispered as a began my run across the canyon. I could still hear the Reds yelling to each other as they searched outside their base for me.

I decided to hide under a rock while I waited for them to stop looking.

Grif yelled out to the others. "SHE AINT OUT HERE GUYS!"

Then I heard Donut. "SHE ISN'T IN THE GARAGE EITHER!"

Then came Simmons voice. "MAYBE SHE WENT TO BLUE BASE!"

Great.. Only option now cut off.

Then, I heard another set of voices.

"Doc, do we really have to have these stupid meetings?" It was Tucker.

"And do we really have to have them in the caves?" Tex asked, obviously bored.

THE CAVES! Why didn't I think of it before! I can live in the caves!

"Yeah these thingies are sooo dumb!"

Wait a minute... That was Sister.

"What point in time am I in?" I thought to myself... Maybe my presence has altered time and events in the Red vs Blue universe, or maybe time is just stuck in a certain place, somewhere in the middle of season five i guessed, and wont continue unless I leave.

My thoughts where interrupted by Church's voice

"Or at least in the comfort of our own kitchen?"

"Come on guys!" Doc protested. "This isn't just another just another thing we have to! it's a coming together of fr-"

"Dude, if you give us that stupid speech one more time, I'll pay Tex to your rip off your head and spit down your neck. NOW SHUT UP!"

Geez, Tucker is meaner than I thought.

"Alright! Court is now in session! First off is Sister Sister-"

"TALK ABOUT A FOUR WAY HURRICANE!"

"Caboose, Shut up." Church is kind of mean, too.

"Yah, you didn't even get the words right!"

Doc brought them back on topic. "-With the minutes from last meeting!"

Then, Sister stood up, and began to 'read' from her clipboard.

"Okay, well, ummm.. This guy said to that other guy 'sup' and the other guy was all like…."

This went on for half an hour.

After this, Doc stood up.

"Thank you Sister! Now, the reason I called this meeting is to update you all on the news and issues throughout the canyon, because if we aren't up to date, we coul-"

"BOOOOO!"

"Tucker shut up, the faster the meeting goes the faster I'm back to Guitar Hero 14."

"Thank you Church!"Doc said. "Now, I don't know how, but it appears the Red Team has a new recruit."

A simultaneous wave of anger passed through the 'court'. I heard various cusses, I also heard Church scream "You need a lobotomy!" and Tex "Why didn't you tell us sooner you idiot?"

Wow, this team is completely shot to hell...

"ORDER, ORDER!"

"why did you tell us now?"

"Because I'm not sure if she really is a soldier! They say they don't know how she got there, and she was wearing a dress!"

"...she?" Tucker said incredulously.

"Don't get any ideas you pervert." Tex growled at him.

_"Speak now Jo..." _What would I do without that little voice in my head?

"ummm hello...?" Wow... way to speak up...

They all turned and stared me down.

"HELLOO! I'm Caboose!"

"Sup, I'm Tucker" Tucker said, with a fake smoothness in his voice.

"uh... hi..." I would've been happier to meet them, but Tex kept staring at me as if I just had grown to heads.

I guess Doc saw how uncomfortable I was and was nice enough to bail me out.

"Hello Joanna! You look much better than last time I saw you!"

"She's looked worse?"

"Tex, don't be rude. I'm Church by the way, and this is Tex."

"Hi, I'm Joanna."

Sister spoke up saying "What's with the dress?"

"Huh?"

She pointed at my clothes. I hadn't even realized I was still wearing the red dress.

"I was supposed to go to a show... Aww crap I wasn't there! Steph and Josie are going to kill me..." I had just recalled the party that I was

SUPPOSED to preform at, and I didn't even want to think how pissed off my band mates (and best friends) are going to be. If I ever see them again.

"What?" Church was obviously confused.

"My friends.."

"Oh. Suck to be you then."

"Ya... It does.."

Tex broke the silence "So they kick you out of Red base?"

I was surprised. That was the fist time she spoke directly to me.

"Yup."

"You can stay at Blue Base!" Tucker said, all too quickly.

"Oh no, that's okay! I wouldn't want to inconvenience you guys!"

"But what about food and clothes?"Doc said.

Crap, I hadn't thought of that.

"Well, since we are a court, we could make a contract saying you provide us with some service-"

"I have an idea for service!" said Tucker. What a perv.

"-And we provide you with food and water."

"that sounds great! I'm not the best cook, unless you like Tabasco, but I'm pretty good at cleaning."

So, for the next half hour or so, we wrote up a contract saying every Monday night, I would go to Blue Base and clean, and they would provide me with food and water. To seal the deal, I threw in my Thin Mints (giving Tex what was left of my chips) , allowed them to continue using the cave for their meetings, and they gave me a sleeping bag and regulation hygiene kit.

"Sweet! And you said today was Sunday, right Doc?"

He nodded and said" Yup! see you tomorrow!"

"Alright, See you guys!"

And with that, the Blues filed out of my new home.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter Four: Fools Errand**_

_Joanna's POV_

_The Cave was pretty decent. It was one large circular room, connected to a lower room by a ramp, and had a two foot puddle of crystal clear water for bathing._

_"Might as well take inventory."_

_I opened up my bag and emptied the content. I had:_

_My copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_

_My guitar tuner_

_A half finished knitting project_

_My binder of songs_

_a box of twizzler nibs (I was wondering what happened to those!)_

_the jeans and t-shirt I was planing to wear after the show_

_And my ipod, phone, and their chargers._

_Not bad eh? well, I guess I should set up my new home._

_**Next morning...**_

_I was woken up by a gloved hand gripping my shoulder and shaking me._

_"Urrggh.. Wha..?"_

_"Hey, wake up! It's Monday!" It was Tucker. Behind him was Caboose carrying a box marked "Food for cave girl"._

_"Oh, hey guys, I'm coming."_

_"Umm, did you change?" said Tucker._

_It was true, I did change into my extra clothes._

_"Yeah, I didn't want to keep wearing that stupid dress, and I had this in my bag."_

_So, at around 4:00 p.m. canyon time, I was done cleaning the Blue Base and I was about to head back to the cave when Church stopped me._

_"Hey, Jo. I'll give you this t-shirt if you run an errand for me."_

_I couldn't really say no now could I? "Sure. What is it?"_

_"Just give this to Donut over at Red base. He left it last time he and Caboose had a sleep over." He said, handing me a package of scented lotions._

_"What are two grown men doing with scented lotions at a sleep over?"_

_He let out a small laugh "Are you sure you want to know?"_

_"Never mind!" I said as I made a beeline for the door._

_So I made my way across the canyon to Red base, and stopped at what I assume by the sign on the door reading "Come on in, Unless your Blue" was the front. I walked in, and was greeted by Simmons at "reception"_

_"Welcome to Red- oh hey!" He said._

_"Hey! I think this is Donuts." I said, and handed him the box. "Oh, and just out of curiosity, you wouldn't happen to know what the Blues need the lotion for do you?_

_"I think Donut said it was a baby gift for Tucker. I can get him for you if you want."_

_"Oh no, that's okay I-"_

_My speech was interrupted by the rest of the Red team coming through a door on the left._

_"Oh its you." said Grif_

_"Missy..." Sarge regarded me with an extremely condescending tone._

_"Oh hey! Is that Tuckers lotion?"_

_Oh thank GOD!_

_"Uhh ya...Sorry."_

_He took off his helmet, looking extremely disappointed._

_"Well that sucks! what a waste of floral scented lotion. Its going to take a really good hair-curling to get over this. Will you curl my hair Jo?"_

_"Uh..."_

_I could tell Sarge would try to to kill me if I said yes, but I didn't want Donut to feel bad._

_"Sure, is that okay Sarge?" I could at least try to be polite, right?_

_Sarge looked like he was about to let me have it, but Donut stepped in front of him, arms wide open._

_"YES! ITS FINE!"_

_"Alright... So, wheres your room?" Man I"m good at playing dumb!_

_"Over here!" he said, and grabbed my hand, dragging me like a rag doll._

_**Sarge's POV**_

_I don't know what her game is. But I can tell that it ain't good. She's got Donut wrapped around her finger, and Simmons is getting there, next she would go after Grif, and then I would be next. I can tell she's already conspiring with the Blues._

_"Umm... its Donuts night to cook dinner."_

_"Grif, is food all you think about?"_

_"No, shut up Simmons! I think about other stuff!"_

_"Both of ya, shut up!"_

_"I can cook tonight if you guys-"_

_"No dirtbag!"_

_"I'm not eating burned water stew."_

_"Stop kissing Sarge's butt!"_

_These two are idiots..._

_**Joanna's POV**_

_So, Donut dragged me back to his room, and pulled the fanciest curling iron I've ever seen out of a drawer._

_"Okay, I know my hair is short, but Caboose did this for me a few weeks ago, so just try your best okay?"_

_"Alright."_

_I had to admit, Donut has pretty nice hair. It was a blondish-white that wasn't long enough to put in a ponytail, but just long enough to play with. I was done in no more than fifteen minutes._

_"Wow, it looks great! Last time I asked someone to do my hair, I got burns all over my scalp!"_

_"Uhh... Thank you..?" I wasn't sure if that was a compliment, but it sounded as close to a compliment you could get from a man who asked you to curl his hair._

_"Oh my gosh! Its my night to cook dinner! C'mon Jo!"and again he grabbed my wrist and began to run for the kitchen._

_**In the kitchen**_

_The Reds where all sitting at the table, apparently tonight was Donuts night to cook._

_"Sorry guys! I forgot!"_

_"Just cook..." Grif is so sweet._

_I was still standing in the doorway, and was more than ready to leave._

_"Well, I guess I better get back. See you guys." I said, with an exasperated sigh._

_Just then, Simmons spoke up. "You can stay for dinner if you want!"_

_"Uh.. I really should get back, its getting late and all... and.. yeah." I couldn't stop myself from pointing my thumb at the door behind me while I spoke._

_"Are you su-"_

_"Better get back to the Blues girly!" said Sarge._

_"Okay, later." I said and moved towards the door._

_Simmons stood up and said "I'll walk you out!" knocking over his chair in the process._

_"Why?"_

_"No reason!" He said, grabbing my shoulder and spinning me around._

_When we where at the door, he stopped and turned to me for the first time._

_"Um.. Well here we are."_

_"Yeah..."_

_I swear, This guy is so awkward, he makes everyone in the room feel the awkwardness that radiates off him._

_"Hey, listen, you might not want to be at Blue base Wednesday morning."_

_"Why wouldn't I?" I mean, Its not like I live there, but its always good to know what's going on._

_"Just... Hide out somewhere.. that's not there."_

_"Okay, Bye."_

_I guess Simmons is confusing as he is awkward and creepy._


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five: Lessons. **

**(I know. I'm lazy, but my internet keeps going down, I know I said I'd have it done, but please, keep your pants on.)**

**Joanna's POV**

On Tuesday morning, I was bathing in that puddle in the bottom room of the cave, hoping I wouldn't be seen-which is why I still had my under wear and bra on- before I was finished. As soon as I heard Grif humming in the room over my head, I knew all my hopes had crumbled to the ground.

"What is all this crap…?" Ughhh… He obviously found my sleeping bag and box of unopened food.

"Ummm, Grif?" I yelled out.

"Jo?"

"Hey…" I didn't believe this was happening. "You shouldn't come down the ramp, I'm slightly… indecent." I couldn't think of any words to describe my status, and I grabbed the small white towel from my hygiene kit.

"Please say your wearing something."

"Towel…"

I heard him sigh. " I'm… gonna run away… pretty quickly now…"

I guess my secret is out.

**Next morning:**

Wednesday morning, I was woken up by tank and machine gun fire that refused to cease. I looked out from the mouth of the cave down into the canyon and saw the Reds and Blues locked in a battle that as fierce as their regular fights. I decided to make breakfast (the box the Blues gave me was full of army regulation Meals Ready to Eat) and grab a seat on the huge rock by the cave entrance to watch the battle. About after half an hour of senseless shooting, the Reds decided to make a proposition to the other team.

"BLUES! WE ARE WILLING TO MAKE AN EXCHANGE!" Came Sarge's voice from a megaphone.

Church replied. "WHADDYA WANT?"

"WE WANT JO!"

"SIMMONS! GIMME THAT MEGAPHONE!"

Well, that was…. Odd and discomforting.

"JO AINT HERE! DON'T YOU KNOW SHE LIVES IN THE CAVE?"

All at once, the Reds, including Grif, stared up at the mouth of the cave. At me. All I could manage was a small sheepish wave.

"SO… ANYTHING ELSE? I'D HURRY UP IF I WHERE YOU! CABOOSE IS GETTING AN ITCHY FINGER!"

"GOT ANY CIGARS?" Of course Sarge would ask for cigars. He always had a half-burned/ half-chewed butt in his mouth.

So, after a lengthy conversation through megaphones, the Reds and Blues reconciled their differences about whatever that battle was for, and each team was headed for their separate bases. Accept of course, for Simmons.

"Hey!"

"Hi Simmons." I Gave him my sweetest fake smile.

"So why didn't you say you lived in the cave?"

I can't believe Grif didn't say this. I was almost glad he came yesterday because then I wouldn't have to tell Simmons.

"Ummm…"

"_Excuse! Think of an excuse!" _

"I Just… Didn't."

_Nice excuse tard._

"Its okay. Do you want to come over for lunch?"

"Sure."

**Lunch:**

"So I was thinking I could give you a tour of the base after lunch."

I looked up across the table at Simmons, continuing to spread Tabasco on the sandwich I had made.

"Sure. That sounds… Fun."

"Great! We can go as-"

"Simmons, can I speak to you. IN PRIVATE?" Sarge said through gritted teeth.

"Yes Sir."

After Simmons and Sarge disappeared through the rec room door, I heard Grif and Donut making some sort of bet.

"Hey Jo, Grif just bet me that Simmons would get shot through the stomach in less than two minutes, But I said at least five. Will you take my action or Grif's?

"Well, I…."

**Simmons POV**

I knew this would happen.

"Simmons, what is your deal with this girl?"

"Sir, I just-"

"Look, I can understand a mans natural urges, but I forbid you to take things farther then you already have with this girl! Do you understand Private?"

I couldn't hide my disappointment. "Yes Sir…."

"Good man." Said Sarge, as he patted me on the shoulder.

And with that, as quickly as we came into the room, we went back to the kitchen.

**Joanna's POV**

When Simmons and Sarge came back to the kitchen, I couldn't help but notice Simmons did NOT have a large hole through his stomach. He sat down, for some reason not looking anyone in the eye, and said:

"Hey Grif, would you mind giving Jo that tour?"

Now that was weird. Simmons was more excited about giving me that tour than I was about taking it. I wonder what he and Sarge talked about…

"Fine, lets go." Grif said, getting up from his seat and motioning me to follow.

"So, this is the hallway."

"No Kidding"

"Ya, its pretty sweet."

Grif isn't a very good tour guide.

"Next we have everyone's rooms. First up is Donuts, which you've unfortunately already seen, next is my room, which you don't need to see."

"Alright…."

Needless to say, I could make a well informed guess on what Grif's room looked like: Posters of girls on the walls, dirty clothes and old food everywhere, and most likely a drum set or something equally punky.

"Here's Sarge's room, He'd probably try to lob my head off with an axe or something if I tried to take you in there. And here's Simmons room. You can go in, embarrass him as much as you want too."

"Are you sure?" I said, shifting my legs uneasily.

"Yeah, its cool."

"Okay…"

If Grif didn't say this was Simmons room, I probably would've thought it was vacant. Besides the collection of classics and furniture that looked like they had come with the room, a guitar, and a black wooden trunk in a corner, none of Simmons personal artifacts where on display for me to embarrass him with.

"Uh... Hey guys…?"

I turned and saw a bewildered Simmons standing in the doorway.

"Do you play guitar?" I asked. My second nature was beginning to kick in (I haven't played a guitar in days!)

"No, my dad gave it to me. All I know is it has six strings and supposedly impresses girls."

I gave an amused laugh, he obviously knew the basic premise.

"Do you mind if I play it?"

"Sure" he said. "It may be out of tune though."

I strummed once and could tell he was right. After about half on hour of twisting the knobs, and of Simmons staring at me, it was tuned.

"Wow…"

I guess he was amazed that it sounded so well maintained. I had just turned an old wooden box with strings into a music machine.

"I didn't know you played guitar!" I looked up to see an over-excited Donut standing at the door.

"Well, I do- woah!" I barely had time to speak because Donut had gotten a backwards running start and hopped on to Simmons bed.

"Can you play me something?"

"I should probably go…" Said Simmons.

"Oh yeah! Sarge said he wanted to see you Jo! that's what I came in here for."

I was turning pale inside. Why would Sarge want to see me?

"Alright sure." I said.

I got off the bed and made my way to the door. I saw Grif in the hallway leaning against the wall.

"Hey, Sarge is in the kitchen. I'm coming with you."

"Why?"

"Sarge is a douche, and he hates you. I know what its like being hated be Sarge, so I'm coming to make sure he doesn't try something." He said, as he pushed open the kitchen door.

"Have a seat missy."

I took the seat opposite Sarge. Grif stood at the door.

"I'll be outside if you need me."

"Thanks Grif." I mumbled to him.

"Now, I think its obvious that I don't like you."

"Yes." _Someone's definitely a poet._

"-And I believe the feeling is mutual."

_Oh really? Are you just picking up on that genius? _

"Okay."

"And I think its very important you don't get entangled with my soldiers."

"I understand." It took every bit of strength I had to not burst out in to laughter. I mean, ME? Get "entangled" as he said? That's one thing that I know isn't happening with someone who ISN'T REAL.

"Than I'm glad we could get this issue resolved." He said standing up, and walked through the door.

When Grif came in he asked what everything was about.

"Umm….. Well, Sarge thought I was…. Getting… Never mind, its so stupid!"

"What? Tell me!"

"He thought I was… Getting involved.. With one of you… Its pretty funny when you think about it, well at least it is for me!"

"Wow, does he really think your that much of a slut?"

"I guess so!" I laughed.

"Well, I guess I should go, save some drama for tomorrow."

"See you Jo" Grif called after me as I left the kitchen.

I was almost out when Simmons decided to reaffirm Sarges fears.

"Hey Jo, I was wondering, can you teach me to play guitar?"

"Umm… Okay, what day is good for you?"

"How about Tuesdays?"

"Alright Tu-"

"And Wednesdays."

"Okay…"

"Would Thursday be okay too?"

"Sure I mean-"

"Friday is open for you right?

"Wait a sec-"

"Saturday could work, right?"

"Yeah, but are you sure Sarg-"

"Do you work Sundays?"

"No actually, I need a day off cause I work over at-"

"Mondays?"

"Ya see that's the thing, cause I work at Blue Base on Mondays so I need a day off sometime, and then I have to cook because they come over on Sunday nights, and… yeah.." I finished my rant, and he finished his.

"So, I'll see you tomorrow, and we can figure out a payment plan, Okay?" He said

"Sure."

I finally left Red Base, with that queasy feeling a person usually gets when they get punched in the stomach. Why do I let people do things like this? Every time….


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six: Its Always Your Fault.**

**One Month Later….**

"_I've been such an idiot to let my emotions run away with me, I can see that now. The notion I could be a soldier and in a relationship is absolutely ridiculous to say the least, and I'm now grateful I never told J. my 'feelings'. I would die of embarrassment! And so I say to you my trusty journal, that I am to remain singularly unattached." _

**Joanna's POV**

Its funny how you don't really notice how fast time passes unless you actually take the time to look. I have to say, for a boy who shaves, Simmons has been a real gentlemen in the many, many days I've been teaching him to play guitar. One Monday morning, Church and Tex came to bring me my weekly fix of M.R.E's .

"Hey Kiddo."

"Hey Tex, Church."

Church dropped the box next to my backpack and began to speak.

"By, the way, I was wondering, why haven't you mentioned your family? I mean, most girls would be in tears, or going nuts by now, after being kidnapped and brought into the future, or whatever happened to you."

"it's a long story." I wasn't lying.

"We have time, its not like were burning daylight or anything." said Tex.

I had to admit, she was right. I figured since they weren't real, it would be okay to tell them my story. (She was right about the daylight thing too. It freaks me out how the sun never goes down in this canyon.)

"Well, when I was a kid, my dad ran off. I don't know why, but my mom

went nuts after a few months, and I wasn't sure what happened cause I was only five. So

after dealing with my psycho mom for nine years, my dad decided to show up one night.

My parents where having a screaming match, so I decided to pack a bag and go to my

friend Josie's house till my parents calmed down. I guess my parents figured out I was gone because half an hour I got there, we all heard police sirens headed to Josie's house. I

guess her parents decided that I would be better off living somewhere else then with

my parents, so when the police knocked on their door, they probably told them I was at

my friend Stephanie's house, while I hid under a bed in the guest room. After the police

left, I stayed the night and in the morning, Josie suggested I go live in my, hers and

Steph's secret hideout, which was a really well hidden cave in the forest on the edge of town. So I just lived there, Mrs. Hardigan- Stephanie's Mom- Home schooled me, and my friends and I started a band. Four years later we where going to play our first show, when I blacked out and ended up on the Reds couch. And that's the end of my life story."

I looked at their shocked faces. I shocked myself that I had left out no details. After a rather too long silence, Church began to speak again.

"Wow… That's unbelievable."

"You should write a book or something."

"Thanks Guys. Well, we should probably get a move on, wouldn't be fair if you guys gave me food without me working for it!" That's me. Always smiling and forgetting….

**Cleaning the kitchen:**

"Hey Joseph! Where's the… what's that thingy called again?"

"Caboose, I left the pantry in the same place that it was last time I came over."

"Oh! I see it! Thanks Johnny!"

"Caboose I'm not a… what's the use?"

I was finished cleaning the base, and was ready to tell Church that, but I couldn't find anyone.

"Guys?"

No answer.

"Tex?"

Silence.

"Church?"

Again, nothing.

"Well, I guess its just you and me Caboose. I wonder where- Caboose?"

I looked over my shoulder and saw a deserted pantry .

**Church's POV**

"_Hey Joseph, where's the… what's that thingy called again?"_

"_Caboose, I left the pantry in the same place I left it last time I came over."_

"_Oh I see it! Thanks Johnny!" _

"Idiot…"

I had to run to the pantry to get him. Tex and I decided to hold a staff meeting for once, and Doc insisted that Caboose had to be there.

"Caboose. Pssssst! Caboose!"

"Oh Hey Ch-"

"Shut up! Come on we gotta go. NOW."

"Where?"

"Just hurry up!"

He's like a child.

**At the meeting:**

"Okay, so its agreed. We help her out and start her off right?" I had led this meeting, and I have to say, I should talk more often.

"I'm in."

"Thanks Tucker, Are you in Tex? Doc?"

Doc began his 'Noble and Worthy' whatever speech.

"I agree! it's a noble and worthy cause and we all have-"

"Lets do it." Tex interrupted.

"Thanks you guys. This is something I think we should do."

Everyone, including Doc, nodded in agreement.

**Joanna's POV**

I was sitting at the kitchen table like a little kid waiting for daddy to come home, when the Blues returned.

"Hey guys! Where'd you go?"

Church began. "That doesn't matter. Listen, Jo, we've all been thinking and-"

"Since you don't really sound like you want to find a way home." Tex said.

"We decided-"

"If you want-"

"-Thank you Tucker- that we could maybe do some renovations on your hole."

"Church!" Tex gave him a death glare.

"- I mean cave!"

She continued to give him threatening look.

"I mean humble abode."

"Yeah! Like a floor and stuff." Caboose added.

I couldn't believe my ears! They where offering me a real house!

"I don't care what you call it! I'll do it! Just give me the wood and nails and I'll get started-"

"Whoa whoa whoa! Slow down! We want to help you!" Tex said.

"Re-Really?"

"Yeah! We thought we could start today, after we get some floor plans worked out."

Tears were forming in my eyes. I had to stop myself from hugging them all.

"Wow! You guys are the best! I have to go tell the Reds!"

**Grif's POV**

"Get in there stupid!" Sarge yelled, lifting me off the ground by the back of my neck.

"Your on probation until the day pop music stops sucking!"

"What kind of a metaphor is that?"

"DON'T GET SMART WITH ME!"

Sarge screamed, and threw me in the laundry room.

**An hour later:**

"Saaaaaarge! Can I come out now?"

"NO!"

"Pshh, whatever…"

"Donut? Is that you?" I heard an excited Joanna through the door of the laundry room.

"Do-Grif! guess what the Blues are doing for me!"

"What?"

"Their doing renovations on my cave! I'm getting a floor, and maybe even stairs!"

"Well, that sounds… Cool."

"I KNO- Why are you doing laundry?" She said, immediately losing interest in her floor and stairs.

"I'm on probation.."

"What did you do?"

"Sarge thinks I put gunpowder in his cigar."

"Did you?" She asked.

"Wish I could say I did, but I didn't."

"Grif, are you- Oh. YOU'ER here." Sarge came into the laundry room with a face like a black powdery donut.

"Hi Sarge." Jo said.

He grunted his acknowledgement of her words. "Grif, Get back to the laundry!"

"Yes Sir."

"Uh, hey Sarge, you got a little something on your face." Said Jo, smirking like a prideful idiot. Sarge mumbled what sounded like a swear word that rhymed with 'potato', and left the room.

"Whether you did it or not, I love it."

"Its pretty funny. Its almost worth getting blamed for something I didn't do."

"Want some help with all this laundry?"

"Works for me. Make sure you check all the pants pockets. Simmons and Donut always leave stuff in them."

"Uh-hu. who's pants are these?"

She held up a pair of black jeans that looked like they just needed to be ironed.

"Simmons I think. Can I see 'em?"

She handed me the jeans, and I began to look through the pockets.

"Find any loot?" She asked.

"Umm… I don't think there's any… Wait, I found something!"

I stuffed my hand into the left front pocket and pulled out a little black book.

"Since when is the man-boy a ladies man?" I looked through the book and couldn't believe what I just read.

"Can I see that? This is so co-"

"Joanna! Joanna!" Donut threw open the door.

"Hi Don-Woah slow down!" Jo said, as Donut, almost tripping over his feet, grabbed Jo's arms as some sad attempt to stand up straight.

"Caboose told me the Blues are putting a floor and stuff in the cave. Is that true?"

"Yes Donut, I'm becoming a permanent resident here."

Donut turned on his schoolgirl squeal and started jumping up and down.

"OH MY GOSH! THAT IS SO- What's with the book Grif?"

"Do either of have an attention span longer than 10 seconds?"

"Uh… We found it in Simmons pants." She handed him the book.

"Hey, there's something written on the spine." Donut said.

I looked on the book's spine and saw the words **J. A. ETC . **printed out from Simmons label maker.

(A/N: J.A. Etc. in some weird calligraphy font)

"Why does he always label his stuff with calligraphy?"

"Grif! Calligraphy is fun!"

"I didn't ask you, Donut!"

"Calm down boys."

"Wait, Didn't you say your last name was… Something that sounded like an A?"

"Armer."

"Well, since it has your initials on it, its probably for you."

"Are you sure Grif? I mean, it might be a-"

I gave Donut a sharp kick in the shin.

"Uh.. Maybe you should get going. I mean, you only stopped over to tell us your getting a floor right?" I was trying to get her out of here before Simmons knew I just handed Jo the last thing he ever wanted anyone to see.

"Yah, Your probably right. I'll look over this thing when I get some time. Have fun with your laundry." And then, she finally left.

**Joanna's POV**

I had no time to think about what this little black book had hidden inside its pages. The Blues Where already at my cave.

"Hey Jo! 'Bout time you got here!" Church yelled out from the mouth of the cave, out to the 30-something feet away from the cave where I was.

"Hey guys!"

It sounds immature, but I was genuinely excited about what the Blues decided to do for me. I had never had my own house. Sure, I lived in the cave back in my hometown, but I never wanted to live there. I wanted to live independently, going out when I wanted, and not after Josie and Stephanie came from school to see me and maybe take me out. I felt like I was getting my own apartment, something I wanted ever since I was a kid.

**A Half Hour Or So Later….**

"Guys! Look what I found in the basement when I was looking for the wood!"

Tex, Church, Doc, and I looked up from the blueprints we were drawing, and saw Tucker, holding a small point-and-shoot camera.

"Cool! I remember using these in high school. I was on every yearbook committee ever!" Doc said.

Tex resisted the temptation to lift him off the ground by his tighty whities. "That's… Nice Doc."

"I used to use these too! One of my friends had one like this." I said.

While I was looking over the settings for the camera, Church started speaking again. "The floor plans are made, Tucker. Got the stuff we asked for?"

"Yah, and here are the hinges."

"Alright" Church began. " Since we have most of the plans worked out, lets start from the cave entrance and work our down to the bottom floor."

"So were starting with the door?"

"That's right Doc. Can you hand me that tape measure?"

I could tell this was where it was going to start.

**Simmons POV**

"Assignments completed, Sir!"

"Thank you Private. You can have the next few hours if you like. Gimme some time to think of something else you do."

"Thank you Sir!"

I had finished my daily workload, and was looking forward to spending the next few hours reading and writing in my journal. That is, IF I could find my journal. I could've sworn I left it in my desk drawer. Maybe its in my pants…

"Where did I put my black pants? Oh right, they're in the laundry… My pants are in the laundry…Crap!"

I ran to laundry room in a panic, to find Donut and Grif folding clothes.

"Did either of you two see my black jeans?"

"Yah, there right here, calm down man."

Donut handed me my pants, and I felt immediate relief. My relief however, was short lived.

"It isn't here!"

"The pants are right in front of you."

"NOT MY PANTS! The book! Wait, these have been washed… Did you two wash my book?"

"Book? You mean the little black book?"

"Yes Donut! It was a little black book in my pants!" I stared at them for a moment and saw they were looking down in shame. "What are you two looking so guilty for?"

"What exactly was it?"

I couldn't believe these two. "THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Where is that book!"

"You may want to sit down Simmons."

"Grif. Did you wash my book?"

"Oh no!" Donut interjected. "We found it and-"

"You didn't read it did you?"

"NO! Would we snoop around in something that wasn't ours?"

"In a heartbeat."

"Well Simmons, we didn't this time, we where preoccupied with the laundry, and, well…"

Grif cleared his throat. "Umm.. We where preoccupied with the laundry, and uh… She.. Took it."

I could feel my eyes expanding. "SHE? WHAT SHE!"

"She thought it might be for her!"

"WHAT SHE DONUT? AND WHY WOULD SHE THINK IT WAS FOR HER?"

"Stop shaking me!"

I took my hands off his shoulder and tried to calm down. I began to speak through gritted teeth. "Why would she think it was for HER?"

"Her initials where on it."

I began to face the harrowing reality that my journal, full of personal writings, was in the hands of the last person in the universe that I wanted to see them.

"That she..?"

"Simmons, you've gone all pale."

"Have I?"

"Joanna saw the label and her initials and…. Yah…"

"Its alright guys. If you'll excuse me, I should go see Joanna and explain. Thanks I guess…"

When I get back, I'm going to shoot both of them…

**Joanna's POV.**

Our work so far was definitely productive. We had cut and put up the front door, and now had almost finished putting up the back door, when I heard a frantic bang on the front. I opened it to see a panic stricken Simmons.

"Simmons. Are you alright?" You look sick!"

"I'm alright. I just need to explain what's happened today."

"What ha-"

"The book…"

"Oh! I was wondering about tha-"

"This is so embarrassing…"

"Wha-"

He cut me off again. "Alright, Joanna. I really need to explain. Over the past few weeks I've been keeping a journal, but I realized that, since you've started a new chapter in your life, a chapter should close in mine."

"Chapter?"

"You decided not to look for a way home, but to stay in the canyon, right?"

"Yes bu-"

I could hear muffled giggles from the room below, and assumed that Tucker, Tex, and Church where trying to not burst into a mocking fit of laughter.

"Please let me finish, I'm almost done. The contents of that book are the sum total of my feelings over the past few weeks, BUT. They must be kept in perspective! I realized today that I've been in the midst of what amounts to no more then an adolescent crush! Unfounded and ridiculous!"

The muffled laughter grew louder. I could imagine Church doubled over, gripping Tex's shoulder to keep from rolling on the floor laughing.

"Simmons I think you should know-"

"Almost done, I swear. Joanna, I would like to retract everything you read in that book, apologize for its meledramatic nature, and say that my strongest desire is for us to remain friends. No more, no less. Is that alright?"

I could tell I would need a forklift to put my jaw back in place.

"Friends? If you want…"

"Good. Can we shake on it?"

I wanted to slap him and tell him to get out of my house, but I held back the desire.

"Shake? If you- If you want."

We shook hands.

"I feel like I just bought a car." I said.

"And I'm sorry if any of this upset you or your first day of permanent residenency."

"It didn't Simmons. I didn't read the book."

A look of shock and horror came over Simmons face. I would be shocked too, if I had just told someone my feelings in such a terrible way.

"Bwahahahhahahah!"

"Tucker shut up! They might hear you!" Tex hissed at him.

"I- I'm sor- sorry!" said Tucker, stifling snickers.

"Thanks Tucker!" I yelled down the ramp.

"So you didn't look at anything? At all?" Simmons asked.

"No… I put the book in my back pocket and was going to look at it after the Blues left."

"Oh…."

"But I respect what you said, and I'd be happy to be just friends, If its alright with you."

"Alright? I mean- Right…"

"Okay." I said, reaching into my back pocket. "Here's your book."

"My book. What a relief." He spoke through gritted teeth.

I choose to end this where it was. "Well, goodnight."

"Night." He said as I shut the door behind him.

"Come on you two, lets go."

"But Tex we have to-"

"We can finish it tomorrow, Church."

I guess day one was less productive than I originally thought….

**A few hours earlier…**

**Sarge's POV**

I've finally worked out a plan that'll keep Missy away from my private for good. I just gotta find those pants he was wearing yesterday and that diary of his. I know when Grif finds this baby, he'll give it to what's-her-face, she'll read it, and shove Simmons aside! The only downside to my plan is putting a little gunpowder in my cigar, but a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. I know for sure this'll work….

**A/N: Thanks for reading you guys! I am working on making these chapters longer, and, I'm putting in a new twist THAT YOU WILL NEVER SEE COMING! But, I did get a few emails from people saying I stole their idea (Apperantley I'm not the first person to come up with teenagers appearing on couches) but I would just like to say I DIDN'T see these stories. I just started writing a red vs. blue fan fiction with an outside character ( Believe it or not, I was originally thinking of making a girl freelancer with white armor come to blood gulch and her starting a third army. Then it just started evolving into this.) But, I just want to say, If you think I stole your story, I'm sorry you feel that way. Thanks for reading and reviewing! You have no idea how much I squeal with joy when I see new reviews! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven: A Book By Its Cover.**

**Grif's POV**

When Simmons came back, he looked more depressed then I had ever seen him. I looked up from Call of Duty 89 to see him go from room to room grabbing a book of matches, his metal garbage basket, a fire extinguisher, and I saw he had his book in his hands.

"Uhhh hey man, whatcha doin?" I yelled out to him.

"Going to the top of the base and burning my sorrows."

"But Sarge said it was going to rain!"

"Then I'll burn AND drown my sorrows!"

Ten minutes later he came back down and grabbed a sleeping bag and what was left of dinner.

**Next Morning….**

I woke up the next morning with that feeling you usually get with a cold or hangover, and went to see Simmons in his room. To my shock, he wasn't there. I went to the roof of the base and saw Simmons in worse shape then he was last night. His brown hair was a mess, and he smelled like he hadn't showered in days.

"Did you sleep up here?" I asked him.

"Yup. Guess I didn't need that fire extinguisher. The rain put the fire out."

"Did you burn the book?" I'll admit, I did want to read a little more.

"Uh-hu. Mashed potatoes?" He said, offering me what was left of last nights dinner.

"Okay, your comin' down now."

"Might as well…." Simmons said. He was rolling up his sleeping bag when I asked him:

"So what happened?"

"I made myself look like an idiot. I told her I liked her, but she didn't share the sentiment."

Well, I wasn't really shocked. Most girls weren't really interested in guys like Simmons, unless there was something wrong with them. I have to admit, Jo is a pretty girl. I doubt she would ever be interested in anyone in this canyon.

**Joanna's POV**

I awoke in the morning with last night still imprinted on my mind. I was replaying Simmons reaction, when I heard my new front door open.

"Hey kid. You alright?" Tex asked, setting a toolbox by her feet.

"Yah, why wouldn't I be alright?"

"Well after last night- Ow! What the-"

I looked past her, Church, and Tucker to see Grif, who had opened the door, hitting Tex in the back.

"Morning Jo I- Oh, didn't realize you were having a party. Can I talk to you in private?" Grif asked.

"Sure…"

He took me outside and shut the door behind me.

"Okay, so about Simmons, he's seriously depressed."

"What did he do?" I was slightly afraid Simmons would have an extreme lapse of judgment and do something we would both regret.

"He burned his book, and stayed on top of the base all night. He didn't even notice it rained till I told him."

"It rains here?"

He continued. "Maybe you should go talk to him."

"Maybe I will."

**Simmons POV**

"Anything for breakfast, Princess Peach?" Sarge said. I don't suppose either Sarge or Donut noticed me until I sat down.

"What the hell happened to you, Private?"

I still needed a shower, and to comb my hair.

"Doesn't matter. Anything for breakfast?"

"Uhhh…. Yeah.. Here." Said Donut, pushing a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs towards me.

"So, how's what's-her-name?" Sarge asked me.

"Fine."

"Anything happening with her lately?" He asked.

"Well, she's putting a floor in the cave and-"

"Didn't you go see her yesterday?"

"Yeah…."

"AND?" Sarge almost screamed.

"I'd rather not discuss it if its fine with you, Sir." I said, trying to hold back a tone of hostility.

For the rest of breakfast, no one said a word.

**Sarge's POV **

Well, I guess my plan worked perfectly! Simmons will get over so-and-so, and she will be alienated from my soldiers completely! Now to figure out something that'll get her out of my canyon…..

**Joanna's POV**

"So, your okay with doing this right?"

I stood at the door of Simmons room, and I could hear Grif saying something. For some reason, his voice seemed so distant now…

"Uh-hu…"

"Well, go ahead."

I knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" Simmons voice came from the other side of the door. It took me a moment to collect myself, and it would've taken a lot longer had Grif not elbowed me in the ribcage.

"Umm… Me."

Immediately the door swung open, and a wet haired Simmons stood in its place.

"Hi…" He said.

_What was I supposed to say again?_

I felt another bony elbow hit my ribs.

"Uhm… I… I was just seeing how you are."

"Oh. Well, I'm okay." Simmons said.

"Heard you had a campout last night.

"Oh, yah… I burned my journal… Pretty dumb thing to do."

It took another few seconds for my to gather my scrambled thoughts.

"Well, umm… We should hang out some time, like after the renovations are done."

"Alright. Well, I have to finish shaving-" For the first time I realized half of his face was covered in shaving cream, and that he held a small razor blade in his hand. "So I guess I'll talk to you later…"

"Okay…"

He shut the door, and immediately I felt as though someone had driven a knife into my stomach, turned it around, and broke it off.

"You okay?"

I forgot Grif was standing next to me through the whole ordeal.

"Yah…" I tried to shake the glazed look I knew was in my eyes. "He just got a little harder to talk to, that's all."

"Hmmm… I think I can help with that. Come on."

"What?"

"You know that little metal rectangle near his forehead?"

"Yah, what about it?"

"Well, Simmons is one-sixteenth robot."

_I think I remember something about that… Play dumb!_

"Really?"

"Yep. There's a little light on it that reflects his mood. I think I have an instruction manual in my room."

We went to Grif's room, and the first time I saw it, I was genuinely shocked. It was clean for starters. There was no drum set (however, there was a skateboard leaning against a wall in a corner) and instead of old food, there were tools and wood everywhere. I assumed he was building a-

"Its a model of the canyon, in case your wondering. Go ahead and sit down if you want, I'll find that manual."

I took a seat on the bed, but I was still curious about the model. Why would Grif, a lazy, sad excuse for a soldier, build something like that?

"I know I put it here…Somewhere…."

"Why exactly are you buildi-"

"Ah-ha! Found it!"

Grif came back from his bookshelf on the opposite wall with a multi-page manual that was half written in someone's handwriting and half typed on a computer. I took it gratefully.

"So, what's with the model?" I asked.

"Well, it the weirdest thing. This planet was supposed to be uninhabited- beside us- but I keep seeing airplanes. Something about it just seems weird, so I'm building a map of this planet."

"Oh, well thanks for-" I never finished what I was going to say. I jumped off Grif's bed and heard a hollow thump, like stepping over a man-hole.

"What was-"

"Oh, that's some weird spot in the floor, sounds hollow. I don't know what it is. Been there since I came."

"Uh-hu… Well, thanks for the manual. I'll see you around then."

"Cool."

I left Grif's room, but something about that floor just didn't strike me as random….

**Sarge's POV**

"Sarge, there's a call from Command."

"Thanks Princess Peach. Come in Red Command, Blood Gulch Outpost 1 here. Can you hear me Red Command?" I said, Picking up the phone.

"Hola, Sergeant dude, come in." Vic, our regular Red Command operative, came in on the radio.

"Vic, what's the trouble?" I asked.

"Actually, its all trouble for you down there, Amigo. Apparently none of your boys did the required psych evaluations."

"Well, that's no problem, I can do-"

"Actually, you can't man. You need a third party, so none of the guys down there can do it."

"Well just send someone-"

"Eh-hey. No can do compadre. Aint in the budget. YOU gotta find someone to do it and send 'em up to us. 'Kay?"

"But-"

"Okey-Dokey, well, we're gettin' another call over here, so I gotta fly. Later dude. Red Command out."

I slammed the phone back on the hook and Donut just stared at me.

"What was that, Sarge?"

"Nothin'"

I really don't want to do this but…..

**Joanna's POV **

"You want me to do WHAT?"

"Its just psych evals! You're a.. Woman…. I guess…. You have intuition into the male psyche!"

_And YOU obviously have no intuition into the female psyche. Jerk._

After arguing for half an hour, he finally convinced me to be the Red Team's new psychiatrist, with a small price.

"So what do ya want?"

I thought for a moment. Anything Sarge offered me would be worthless. What exactly did I want? Well…..

**Sarge's POV**

"NO! ABSOLUTLEY NOT!" I yelled at her.

"FINE THEN! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO ME TO HELP YOU!"

"You can't be serious! I REFUSE to lend you one of my soldiers for a stupid whim!"

"Gimme a break!" She made a poor attempt to calm down. "Well then…."

She sighed, switching her powers of woman reasoning on. "I guess you'll just have to call you superiors. And tell them you cant do it. As a result you'll probably lose your job. Then The Red Army will be so lost without you…. And the Blues will attack and before you know it the Blues have won the entire war and THEN-"

"FINE!" I shouted at her. In my entire life, I don't think I've hated any young woman more than I hate HER.

She smiled back at me and said: "Well, then. We better be on our merry way."

**Grif's POV**

"Alright Ladies. Because Red Command has deemed it necessary, we have to go through the grueling horror that is psychiatric evaluations."

Donut, Simmons, and I were seated on the couch in the rec room, staring up at Sarge.

"Uhh Sir?"

"Yes Simmons."

"None of us are qualified to do psych evals."

"I know, Simmons. That's why I've organized a… Third party…"

"In other words, Doc." I said.

"You think I would've hired a dirty Blue?"

"Um, Sir, Doc is-" Donut was about to say something, but was cut off by Sarge.

"Alright, Dirtbag, Your up first."

All of a sudden, the door to the kitchen swung open, and a grinning Joanna stood in its place.

"The Doctor will see you now."

**Psychiatric Evaluation Number One: Dexter Grif.**

"Alrighty. Well, first we have to do the preliminary stuff, you know. Age, background, all that. Then we get down to the personal things. First, you have to sign this waver agreeing that you have to answer any and all questions I put to you."

"Okay." I said, signing my name on the line.

"Mhm… So…." Jo said.

"Full name."

"Dexter Allan Grif."

"Mmmm… Age?"

"23" I said, shifting slightly in my seat.

She stared for a moment. "REAL age?"

She had called my bluff. "21"

Clicking her pen, she began to write something… "Notes… Compulsive… Liar…." She enunciated.

"Hey!"

"Kidding." She clicked her pen again. "Parents?"

"Stephen and Diana Grif."

"Siblings?"

"Aimee Grif."

"Place of origin?"

"Oahu, Hawaii."

"No kidding?"

"Yup."

"Occupation?"

"Driver."

"So I'll be using you then…"

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing…"

This went on for a little while, her asking the general stuff. When she was finished with me, she moved on to Donut. I can only imagine what happened then.

**Psychiatric Evaluation Number Two: Franklin Delano Donut**

**Joanna's POV**

"Sign here please." I said, handing him the consent waver.

When he had signed, I began my evaluation.

"Name?"

"Franklin Delano Donut."

"Age?

"19"

"Really?"

"Yeah, why?"

I was more than a little shocked, he's only a year older than I am. I continued:

"No reason. Parents?"

"Joshua and Candice Donut."

"Siblings?"

"Only child."

"Place of origin?"

"Charles City, Iowa."

"Occupation?"

"Ummm…. Private..? I think."

In about ten minutes, we were done. Thankfully, I didn't have to ask to many uncomfortable questions, though I did find out Donut has had mild gender confusion issues since he was a kid. Well, I guess the least horrible part of this job is over… Now for Sarge and Simmons…..

**Psychiatric Evaluation Number Three: Sarge.**

**Sarge's POV**

"Next!" What's-her-name called out.

I sat down at the kitchen table, ready for the worst. Hopefully, she wont make any copies of these thing and give 'em to those dirty Blues.

"Alright, I need you to sign this, saying that you have to answer any and all questions put to you."

"Ya, I'm not doin' that."

"Well, then I'll have to call Red Command and tell them-"

I signed the stupid paper, just to get her to shut up.

"Good. Full name?"

"No."

"FULL NAME."

"Just to clarify, I'm only doing this 'cause I'd probably be fired if I didn't."

"Fair enough. Full name."

"Matthew Avery Johnson."

"Age?"

"54."

"Mhm… I wasn't required to ask the other guys this but… Marital status?"

"NO."

"So, single?"

"No, wait, I mean-"

"Not single…?"

"Divorced." I REALLY didn't want to mention that…. I will admit, she didn't look like she cared either way.

"Parents?" She said.

"Clarke and Katherine Johnson."

"Siblings?"

"Only child."

"Occupation?"

"Sergeant."

"Place of origin?"

"Lubbock, Texas."

So, after we finished all that preliminary nonsense, it took us twenty full minutes before we finished the entire thing. Just wait 'Joanna' your time is a-comin'.

**Simmons POV**

**A few minutes earlier…**

"What's taking them so long?"

"Simmons, stop pacing. I'm getting tired looking at you."

Grif was doing a really sloppy job of calming me down. I still couldn't believe Sarge would hire Jo to do something THIS personal! While I was thinking about all this, Sarge came out. If it wasn't physically impossible, I'd say there was smoke coming from his ears. He looked more pissed off at Joanna then he had ever looked at Grif. That deserves some kind of medal.

"Simmons. Your turn." Joanna called from the kitchen.

"Tread lightly man." Said Grif.

**Psychiatric Evaluation Number Four: Richard Simmons.**

**Joanna's POV**

"Sign here please." I said, handing him the last consent waver.

"Full name?"

"Richard Simmons."

I had to stifle a laugh. I guess his parents didn't really know when they named him though, them being from the future and all.

"Age?"

"21"

"Parents?"

"Joseph and Serena Simmons."

"Siblings?"

"Sarah, Eugene, and Brent Simmons."

"Occupation?"

"Private."

"Place of origin?"

"Dove Creek, Colorado."

After this was over, she asked me a few questions about my childhood, why I was so dependant on Sarge, and other stuff I didn't want to talk about. I'm just glad she didn't ask about last night.

**Joanna's POV **

Well, now that the nightmare was over, I was ready to start on my reward. Driving lessons. To be honest, I couldn't care less about learning to drive a military grade vehicle, but I needed to talk to Grif some more about those airplanes. it's a good thing I watched Red vs. Blue before I came here, otherwise I wouldn't know Grif was the team driver. I did learn a few new things, though. Besides Donut's gender-confusion issue, Grif has claustrophobia, Simmons had an alcoholic for a father, and Sarge has more than a few dark quirks that I'd prefer not to go into. I stepped into the cave, which was unusually hot and muggy, and sat down on the only patch of floor covered in wood panel.

"What a day…"

"Jo, you here?"

I was surprised to hear Simmons voice down below. I guess I knew sooner or later he would come over.

"I'm up here, Simmons."

I was surprised to see that he was wearing the black jeans that I found that awful little book in, and a grey t-shirt instead of his maroon armor, which he took his evaluation in.

"Listen, about last night-"

"Its okay."

"No, its not." He said. "I.. Uhmm… I- I'm not to good at this am I?" I couldn't help but giggle when he stuttered. He really WASN'T good at expressing his feeling.

"Don't worry Simmons, I think I understand."

"Really?" A look of relief and slight excitement took over his face. "So, you really aren't mad about what happened?" He asked.

"No, I'm not. In fact, as a sign of forgiveness, I'll…" I paused. I wasn't sure what I could do to make him see I really wasn't mad. Then it hit me. "Cook you guys dinner tomorrow."

"Okay! Good thing too. It was Grif's night to cook."

"So, what time should I come over?"

"Anytime that's good for you, Jo. I should get going though, Sarge is probably looking for me. See you tomorrow."

"See ya tomorrow then. G'Night, Simmons."

"I was about to shut the door, when he asked: "And your sure you aren't mad. Even a little?"

I laughed, "No. Your forgiven. Now shoo, before Sarge breaks down my door looking for you."

"Right. Night Jo."

I closed my door. It was then I remembered.

"I can't cook."

**Thanks for reading guys! I know, this chapter was LOOOOONG and a little boring, and it took me forever to write, but Chapter eight is on its way! This chapter was basically opening the story up for the rest of the plot. Expect your mind to be blown with the next few chapters. I promise, they will be better than this one. Also, I'm writing the first chapter of another Red vs. Blue story, and an Invader Zim story! Those will be up within the next few weeks, so watch out for them! Alrighty, that's pretty much it. Thanks for reading and reviewing! **


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight: Repeating Offenders.**

**TDS Laboratories. **

**Natalia's POV**

"SIR!" I had been running toward the Professors lab, and nearly tore the door down as I ran in.

"Natalia! How many times have I told you to knock before you enter!" My boss, though a genius, was so very eccentric about the little things. As his new personal assistant, I was given a list of tasks that I had to master before earning the Professors complete and total respect, and one of them was knocking before bursting in. This was the one time I couldn't bear to contain myself.

"I'm sorry Sir! Its just th-"

"I DO NOT APPRECIATE AN ASSISTANT THAT WILL NOT COMPLY TO MY REQUESTS!" The Professor now let out a tone of hostility. I could tell I would not be allowed to speak unless I stepped outside the door and knocked. I did so and his usual warm and welcoming smile returned.

"Very good Natalia!" He said. "Now, what was so important that you had to burst in and interrupt my calculations?"

I ignored his less-than subtle insult to my manners, and handed him the freshly printed document.

"THIS, Sir."

"What is this? A printout from a blog? What can I do with- Oh my…"

"It's a perfect match to HER." I said. The resemblance this girl had to HER was uncanny. The very same name, facial structure, everything screamed of HER.

"Who's this… Frank DuFresne? Where did you get this?"

"I was browsing through our tunnel sights, and found the one here. The tunnel leads to a Canyon called 'Blood Gulch'. I looked up all the soldiers and found DuFresne and another…."

"You mean HE'S THERE TOO?"

He was beginning to understand. I don't suppose I would've grasped the situation immediately, either, had I waited all my life for a dream that most likely would not happen. I must say, I never would have guessed a man of his advanced years could turn cartwheels and shout 'Yippee' at the top of his lungs.

"Oh Natalia! I have waited so long for this! And to think I was looking forward to a day of hanging Christmas decorations! By the way, have you got the three French hens?"

My boss was also a bit odd in the way he kept his workspace. He had put up a pyramid-like shelf with twelve slots, and in the top was a partridge, in the second two turtle doves, and had he was now asking me to retrieve the three French hens that were under my desk, which he had purchased through a well-known toy manufacturer. All I could think was how a man of his brilliance could be so easily distracted by French hens.

"Yes Sir. I have the toy hens."

"Good! It is a family tradition you know! New decorations every day, twelve days before Christmas. It was THEIR favorite, really." He always referred to THEM in a strange way. He dare not say THEIR names (I don't have the faintest idea why,), and would have anyone who did fired. That's what happened to my predecessor.

"Now, I was told I have to set up several things, the weather, the postcards, etcetera. Could you get me a postcard of the island? Oh, and of course, THE HENS! Where… Are they…?" The Professor said.

"Sir, are you sure giving things up to chance is the wisest method-"

"That's another thing you Brits don't understand! Taking chances! Risking things! Its good! All of it!" Despite being one of the smartest men since Einstein, he never passed up an opportunity to insult the fact that I am British.

A let out a sigh. "The hens are on my desk, Sir."

"Well then, go fetch them and the postcard- Oh, and be a dear and get me a drink?"

"Yes, Sir."

I exited the lab, the Professors words still on my mind. _"Taking Chances! Risking things! Its good! All of it! -You BRITS don't understand!" _Perhaps he was right. Perhaps I did prefer not to take chances. Thank God for it. That's what my parents would say. I was at my desk, grabbing the small box with the stuffed toy hens. It was the I realized that 'Doc's Blog' was still on my screen. I had only seen the picture of HER, really. I had skimmed through other blog entries, and simply printed out the first thing with HIS name. I began to read the full entry:

"_Hey everybody! Doc here! _

_Crazy stuff is going on down here! Somehow, A girl appeared on the Red teams couch! I have a picture (Taken and uploaded courtesy of my helmet camera) and will update as soon as I have more news! Since I have no other interesting stories, here's a fantastic recipe for Tofu and Chocolate Crepes!_

*_One cup T-"_

Wait a moment. Did I read that right?

"_-Tofu and Chocolate Crepes!"_

Poor THEM. THEY had to stay in a box canyon with people like this.

**In Blood Gulch…**

**Joanna's POV**

I was walking myself to Red Base. I wasn't the least bit happy that I had agreed to cook, simply because all I can really make is spicy food. I was beginning to think it might have been a bad idea to agree to cook for four men who most likely were starving for (and probably expecting) a 'steak and potato' type of home cooked meal, when a man's blood curdling shriek came from Blue base.

"AHHHHHH!"

What I heard was most definitely Church. I assumed he must've done something to Tex, such as forget the anniversary of their twelfth breakup, but that didn't stop me from sprinting full speed to the pile of concrete and blue flags. I snuck around the back and could hear obnoxious punches being thrown even outside my window perch. I looked through the window and saw what I figured I would. Sure enough the black armor clad soldier was giving a half armored Church a beating that could've made a pro wrestle squeamish.

"Just another day in Blood Gulch…" It was then I left Church's bedroom window.

**At Red Base…**

"A little to the left… No, too far Donut. Back to the right… There! Perfect."

I had just entered Red base, and saw Grif and Donut putting up a fake Christmas tree in the Rec. room. Well, Grif was standing off to the side making sure Donut put it in the holder straight.

"Hey guys! What's with the tree?" I asked.

"Uhhh, its like…." Grif began to count off his fingers. "Eight days till Christmas."

"Really?"

"Yah… We have a calendar in the kitchen. Haven't you ever seen it?"

Now that I think back, I DO remember a calendar above the microwave….

"Simmons, weather doesn't just decide to change like that! There must be an explanation for it!" I could hear Sarge yelling in another nearby room.

"I'm sorry, Sir! I'll keep working on it."

At that moment, Sarge walked in. He must've been distracted, because he mumbled something about the weather, and walked past me into the kitchen.

"What's his problem now?" Donut wondered aloud.

**Simmons POV**

**Five or so minutes earlier…**

"That simply isn't possible! How can the weather go do 20 degrees?"

"I don't know, Sir. But this isn't the first change of weather we've had. Remember the rain? I looked through the records and that was the first rain ever seen on this part of the planet!" Somehow, the temperature had dropped 78.8 Fahrenheit to 55.4 Fahrenheit. This is the first time the temperature had dropped a single degree in Blood Gulch.

"Simmons, weather doesn't just decide to change like that! There must be an explanation for it!" He yelled at me, and neared the door to my room.

"I'm sorry, sir! I'll keep working on it." I stood up and said to him. He left my room and as he did, I could hear the rustling of a fake Christmas tree.

**Joanna's POV **

"Sweet, we did it." Grif said.

"WE? You barely moved!" Donut half-yelled.

I smiled, lost in thought as I opened the door to the kitchen. I still had no idea what I was going to cook, but I was sure I'd think of something, like I always do. I looked in the pantry and saw that my option were extremely limited, unless I wanted to serve them Oreo cookies.

"What the heck are you doin' here?" I didn't even bother to look up from the refrigerator where I was examining the bottom shelves.

"Hi Sarge." I said callously.

"I just came here to talk to Miss Armer."

This time, I did look up. Tex was standing in full armor about four feet away from me, but her speech was being distorted by what I guessed was a voice filter.

"Get out a'here ya dirty blue!" Sarge yelled. I could see him run at her preparing to fire his shotgun, but Tex merely slammed him against a wall, rendering him unconscious.

"Tex? I don't want to be rude or anything, but what's with you today? You beat up Church and just-"

"I'm sorry. I'm very, very, sorry Miss Armer."

"Miss Armer? Tex? TEX?"

This was not Tex. Whoever this person was, they were moving slowly towards me. That was when I saw the syringe. I began to run to the door, flipping over one of the wooden chair in my way.

"Guys!" I began to shout, hoping one of them could hear me.

"SIMMONS! GRIF! DONUT?"

I tore my way out front door. My pursuer close behind. I was filled with relief when I could hear Grif, Simmons, and Donut arguing about something.

"I'm telling you, if he hasn't come yet, he will be here. Now quiet, Sarge might hear you- Joanna?" Simmons, seeing me run toward them in a panic, now had full attention on the attacker.

"Really, Miss Armer. We're in a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. Its no use running."

"Who are you?" Grif said.

The attacker then punched Grif in his helmets mask, shattering it to bits. Grif then took it off and he, Simmons, and Donut all reached for their assault rifles.

"I'm sorry!" He yelled. I then felt the worst pain I had ever been in. He had stabbed the syringe into my left bicep.

"AAAAAHHAAA!" I let out a pained shriek. I could feel whatever was in the syringe flow through the rest of my body, and I could feel my body hitting the ground.

What happened next was a black and blue blur. I could hear rapid gunfire, a punch being thrown here or there, and my own heart beat. After a small blackout, I could feel armored arms picking me up.

"Whaa…? Simmons?"

"Nope." The anonymous attacker said.

"What did… You… Do to them?" I gasped for breath. My throat had nearly closed, and I could barely breath.

"Don't worry, their fine. The Blues too."

"Then… What do ….You want-"

"Eh. Don't talk." The attacker said. "Don't want you dying. The Professor would die if something happened to you."

After that, I saw a bright light. I assumed it was the bright light people always talked about. I figured I died. I couldn't be more wrong.

**Natalia's POV**

I tapped lightly on the door to the Professor's lab.

"Really, you didn't have to come." I said.

"Yes, I did. I brought her in, so I come with you. Beside's you know Professor S. He's a bipolar maniac. He's either going to be over-the-top ecstatic or try to lob off your head with an ax. Either way, its danger- Professor!" Professor S. opened the door to his personal lab. Tom Pickler and I stood still as statues, fake ear-to-ear smiles plastered on our faces.

"Uhh… Good afternoon sir! We have ah…- Tom ?" I was at a loss for words. I figured Tom took so much pride in the fact her brought her in, he should tell the Professor.

"Coward." He whispered to me. "Ahem- Sir. I feel that after all the research you've done on HER, you might-" Tom , though being as polite as usual, trying to put this news delicately like he was, was being unusually inarticulate.

"You two know I am a busy man, correct?" The Professor said.

"Yes, sir." Tom replied. "I- I- Uh- Natalia?"

"Nicely done." I whispered to him, much in the way he did to me. "Sir, we found HER."

The Professor obviously didn't understand. "What?"

"Tom brought her in. She's here."


	9. Notice of Foreclosure

Hey everyone, it's Mystie.

Long story short, I'm taking down _New World, New Life_. Why? Because it's terrible. I still like the plot, but my writing has exponentially improved.

This is the notice. I'm going to rewrite _New World, New Life_ and replace it with something less heart-wrenchingly awful.Thank you for all of you who read it and enjoyed it. I'm sorry that I never got past chapter eight, but hopefully now I'll be motivated :D


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